I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize