i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
