I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
