I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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