I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
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