I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
