we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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