There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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