On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Randomize
