i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
