the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
