I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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