How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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