peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Randomize
