I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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