20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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