so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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