I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
