I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
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