he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
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