god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
