my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Randomize
