life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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