so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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