My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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