you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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