i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
