mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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