I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
