Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
