his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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