No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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