I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
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