There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
