I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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