I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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