Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
