Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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