Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Moan for me like Helen Keller
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
