I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize