I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I can't turn off my feet"
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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