We got so high we made milksteak
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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