you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
