We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
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