a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
