Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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