Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
