peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
this is an emotional support booty call
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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