i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
