i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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