I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Randomize
