I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Randomize
