Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
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