i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
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