First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
