Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
