You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
