did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
babies were throwing up all over the place
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
