That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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