I think i peed on brittanys purse
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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