Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
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