Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Come on in and take your pants off
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