I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
